Saturday, April 4, 2009

The Irony of What Lies Within

Ambivalently doing what I want
Take my heart and see the blinds
If only I could step outside my mind
And see myself from behind

Reform from what I turned into
By mistake or by a willingness to
If I could just find the controls
To take back what is lost and forgot

If the intentions on this letter
Dont seem for the better
Then wrongly you have judged
Cause unrelentingly I wont budge

To forever comes
To forever goes
It doesnt matter what comes what goes
Keep lying to yourself

A weapon in the form of thoughts
A shield in the form of traits
A blinding shield
A hurtful weapon
A battle turned to self-destruction

And if the intentions of this note
To transcend not to defend
Then futile things I have wrote
Not to defend but to ascend

I cant keep to myself anymore
Im holding on, slowly falling to before
Dear God take me home
Dear God lead me home



I am asking for it but Im not sure if I, if all of us have the right to even ask for it.

It isnt important to whom I ask it from or who asks it. The form, the manner, the timing are all irrelevant.

Its funny how you cant start some things without being forgiven.
What happens when it isnt given? Try again? I really dont know. Things arent that simple from both subjective and objective views.


Its interesting how daring, how strong a man can be when presented with hope, incentives, or rewards. This in fact is the very spirit of most of our existence... HOPE.

A Four Letter Word Closer to Hope.

So minutes past the break of dawn I write to talk about past lessons..

And in the context of this I would like to inform whoever reads that i am under the influence of certain substances and am really having a hard time typing but i feel good.


I met her very early in life. Too early in fact, i think. What a beauty, what a waste. After all this time she turned out to be a big disgrace. Not to me, of course, because I am clearly out of the picture but to herself. If only there were things she realized. If only there were things I realized. I lay here right now looking back in multicolored retrospect and realizing how futile and childish our attempts, reasons, intentions, and goals were. But when the dawn is gone, wait for the sun.


I barely recall anything, if anything. I was too busy with other things, too busy with childish things. I remember her hair, her voice, and the way we sat together every morning watching the football field before I played. I remember she was kind and beautiful inside and out. I remember swimming with her on Fridays. My bestfriend and I would compete to show off. Of all I remember the most striking was her face. For in its presence all was gone and nothing mattered. It was sweet yet sarcastic, kind yet apathetic, warm yet distant. A memory of that face will always be enough for me.


I was older now. I was smarter. I carried a bag of wit, sarcasm, humor, intelligence, and meaning. All of this worked of course. Short and sweet, short but sweet. Amidst the tryst, she stole my lips and I stole hers. Youth makes you do many things. Stupid things. Glorious things. Noble things. Through all these things I learned.


A goddess in disguise. Of human nature a godlike creature. "As I cannot recall a more perfect fall". Yet opposition strikes and times lead you to think of all your priorities in life. What a perfect fall, yet it led to nothing at all. Useless things said and done. Made life even just a smidgen clearer.


Beauty and brains, brings a man to the trap that waits. It was full of lies, once I caught on, it wasnt so pretty anymore. It was bleak, drugged, and over the edge. It was a lesson learned, an expensive one.


Of friends turned lovers. Impossible is the limit that if acknowledged solidifies and exemplifies the barriers that keep us from breaking apart. Yes breaking apart and not otherwise because the other is the antidote of the other. Neither can coexist except in the presence of that liquid that binds eternally, till death do they part.


Short is the night, short is the night. All I needed to know was found and gone when I realized that I never wanted to know. So throw out the card onto the street and hope that the tire marks blurry the memories and traces on the marks of your neck. Corto Vida Amor.


Strike up the band. The cover up friendship will never disband. Wash you face, scrub your body, brush you teeth, and gargle mouth wash in hopes of making things feel better.


Nurse im loosing my head over this. So I make an attempt to tempt you with this. Things do work things fo work. But in the end I needed it no more.


Nothing more, nothing less. April 5, 2009. Progression is a mysterious thing. For one knows not what comes next yet we all enjoy it very much because of this aura it presents us. This thrill we derive from it.

And so from all of this I wish to presume that one day it will come. One day it will come.

Why Agnosticism?

Agnosticism is not a religious proclamation in itself. I like to think of it as the buffer state between theism and atheism. So why symbolize it as a buffer state? Because like a buffer state agnosticism is the middle ground between two great powers. Two great powers, theism and atheism. Imagine how much these ideas or beliefs actually control your head. Think about it. You go to fucking church every fucking Sunday because you believe in God. Or you reject church and do whatever you want because, fuck it, deities dont exist.

Now I dont really like broadcasting my thoughts on a web page, but right now I feel like it.

So this is what Im thinking, its nothing new... Religion is fucking mind control. Yeah, so people got smarter, some smarter than the rest giving them the luxury of thinking of new ways to control people for their own good aside from brute force. Voila! In came psychology infused with beliefs and doctrines equals religion. Dont do this, dont do that. Fuck you! Thats what I say. I mean not all religions are bad. I admire a lot of religious denominations for that matter. Imagine if they werent here? Hell would break loose. However, some fucking shit ass religions do a lot of crazy things like burn their babies or eat them, cut themselves in sacrifice, give their virginities to the religious heads as a form of religious sacrifice, some even kill others or themselves in the name of religion.

Now im anticipating that some people that would read this would either say that: 1. Those are just cults. or 2. Those things dont exist anymore. Answer please...
They arent fucking cults, yeah well some cults do this, but some religions those that actually believe in a higher being actually do this especially in primitive times. Fuck, the whole of some nations were actually doing these things back then. And yes, these things still do exist. Its better nowadays since they come in smaller numbers.

This was probably because some people, smart people started thinking generations later on that some things just dont make sense with religions. This was probably due to the increase in religous criticism, the contradicting views of certain denomoinations and well a higher level of education bringing about a higher form of thinking. And so probably some people thought, especially those that have lost all faith in God or Gods, that deities dont exist.

So in comes atheism, which basically rejects theism or the existence of god or gods. Well, I would have to aplaud this somehow, in the way I applaud some religions, very smart move. Now that you dont have to worry about god you can actually do a lot more. Yeah, its the phenomenon called "switching time" im talking about here. Switching time says that it would take 25% more time to finish a task if you multitasked and did one thing then another, then that thing then the other. But it still gets me thinking, atheism is just plain dismissive. I mean it rejects any fucking possibility. It could even just be an answer for some people so they dont look for the real answers. Its a form of instant self gratification, arising from the need to be freed from the bondages that were formed by theism. Just like theism, atheism keeps people sane because now they can explain all the wrong that happening. Oh, theres poverty, war, famine, and a whole lot of shits going on and they can just say well that because there is no god. See now? Its just a release so they dont have to think about shit anymore. Anyway, enough of that. One thing that doesnt make sense about atheism is well, the very center of their beliefs, that there is no higher being.

I mean how does the universe come about? How did plant and animal life come about? How did we human beings come about? Why do we feel this unexplained need to look for a higher being? Well, see? You cant just tell me there was a big bang and out pops the universe. I mean what cause the big bang?

Now my questions tend to defend the primitive power, theism. But these questions can neither prove the existence of god or gods now can they? That is why, ladies and gentlemen, some people who think in the same pathline, same warpath as these words I have written tend to have the mentality of the buffer state, Agnosticism. We just cant prove anything, its not like god is talking to us out of the heavens anymore and it isnt like there is no existing sign of Him or Her, whatever.

So with this in mind, I would like to say philosophy, theism, atheism, agnosticism, existentialism, and all those others you can think of is just a MIND FUCK. Yeah, people go crazy for these things. Im not saying you shouldnt think about them cause it would be good to do that once in a while. But honestly its just fucked up.


Disclaimer: I have no intentions of altering or breaking your religious views. I could be very wrong or very right.

Friday, February 27, 2009

February 27-28.(Nonsense talk #1)

After a few drinks I go home and watch Palo Alto, CA.

You know how it is with certain movies that just leave you with that feeling?
Its so good you stay and watch the credits.
I mean it doesn't necessarily have to be award winning good, but there are movies
that connect with you in a certain way.

Anyway, i stayed up all night. Gota crash.